"Take me to your wiener!"

A few months ago, we ran a poll on this blog, asking if you’d let the Man Eater near your pole. This one-eyed, green space monster with a taste for human cock went down in defeat. But I remained curious. So, I asked for a specimen and abducted the Man Eater to run some tests back at my own private Area 51. Would I make a new friend like Elliot in E.T.? Or would this become an alien autopsy? Here’s what I discovered.

The Man Eater is actually pretty cool! He looks and feels like one of those collectible toys you see prominently displayed in the home of a comic book nerd or sci-fi fan. This is also part of his appeal. Assuming you keep him clean and wipe the come off his mouth, this little alien should fly under the radar of most of the terrestrial visitors to your house. He simply doesn’t look like a sex toy. The downside, of course, is that people, especially curious kids, might think he looks cool and want to pick him up and play with him. Keep the Man Eater on a high shelf if you know what’s good for you!

Just like Tickle Me Elmo, the Man Eater vibrates when you push his belly. And while the low setting is pretty worthless, the middle and top speeds are pretty damned strong. Vibration is a relatively new experience for me. Most vibrators are made and designed for women. There are exceptions– many vibes can be used anally or against the perineum for prostate stimulation– but, except for the Fun Factory Cobra Libre, there just aren’t that many vibrating toys made exclusively for male masturbation. So, at first, I just held the Man Eater’s open mouth against the underside of my cock, making sure to hit the glans. With a generous dab of lube, the area got even more sensitive, and the sensation became very pleasurable. Rather than feeling numb, all the little nerve endings felt awake and ready to party.

Even though it felt good to have the Man Eater humming against the underside of my penis, I didn’t feel like I would ever come from vibration alone. That’s when I decided to tilt my cock upwards against my belly and actually stroke the underside of my shaft with his open mouth. I’m sure I looked ridiculous, with my hand cupping the back of the Man Eater’s head, as he bobbed up and down along my penis. But I didn’t care, because the Man Eater was really working for me! The contour of his “mouth” felt really nice, in combination with the vibration. The hardness of the ABS plastic and PVC material actually helped create enough pressure to bring me to an unidentified flying orgasm!

That material also makes the Man Eater waterproof and easy to clean. After he made sweet love to me, I brought my new friend into the shower and cleaned him off with some soap and hot water. He dried on the shower caddy overnight, and was ready to be put in a safe hiding place the next morning.

While the Man Eater isn’t likely to take over the planet just yet, he’s a surprisingly effective toy given his humble asking price. He runs off of two AA batteries, cleans up well for company and feeds exclusively on your penis. I think I’ll keep him.